Ladies and Gentlemen,
My name is Nova Silverman. I am — or was — a business associate and a close friend of Stephan Michaels'. I am sorry to report that, after enduring many months of public ridicule over his outspoken editorials and finger wagging admonishments, Stephan's battles with his critics and detractors have come to an abrupt end.
This morning at 9:00, a joint task force of Canadian Animal Mounted Patrol (CAMP) and Bellingham Armored Rodent Control (BARC) surrounded an urban farm house in the hazy vale of Fernwood, Washington, just a few miles south of the Canadian border.
Eyewitnesses report hearing someone shout from inside the house, "I'm not retracting one friggin' word, you seal-bashing hosebags!" Camouflaged troopers then crawled through the basement window, while two undercover agents dressed as bible salesmen rang the back doorbell. There are varied, unconfirmed accounts of a frenzied dog barking, officers shouting, "Do it now! Do it Now!", and flashes of light followed by a loud hissing noise, like air being let out of a large weather balloon. One neighbor reports hearing someone yell, "F@#K! That hurt!"
Subsequently, at 9:40 am, WWU radio station KYME intercepted and broadcast a radio transmission, "Asset dispatched. Canine in custody."
The house is now quiet and currently surrounded by an array of law enforcement vehicles and barricades. I managed to sneak past the patrol unit and shimmy through the Cedar hedge on the north side of the property and into one of the outbuildings Stephan used for a studio. Among the many papers and effects strewn about the office floor, I found this note, scribbled in Stephan's hand:
"To my family, friends and sundry creditors, I apologize for this hastily written missive. I had fully intended on telling you all just what I really think of you, and to possibly someday pay back any loans and bills outstanding. But this now seems a futile thought, as I appear to be finished"
As you may know, Stephan was a Kabbalist with Saxon roots. In accordance with strict Eastern Judea and Northern Germanic traditions, authorities say they cremated the body in back of the house, in the Schwenker, well within 24 hours of Stephan's demise. DNA tests conducted before the cremation confirm that the body was likely that of the impassioned Jewish writer from Venice Beach, California.
The only remains I could find were smoldering ashes in the grill pit.
I am sorry. That is all I know.
Nova Silverman, CPA
Post Script: To B of A and City Bank - you can now close the books on this one.